New Year

I need you.

I want you.

Come. 

Last day...

Last day of the year. I am still here waiting for you, still looking for you.

I continue...

I continue to exist without you. I don't know where you are...

It's hard sometimes to walk on that fine line between reality and imagination and in our case it seems that we crossed it quite a few times. So now, here I am writing about you... almost fifteen years latter without really knowing if you ever existed.

I have everything packed in boxes. My life in a bunch of boxes as you know! Never stay for too long in one place... but it is so hard to open those boxes and look at all the contents. I want to read our letters again. I want to be reminded of our silliness, I want to relive everything...but I don't think I am strong enough to do it. As a matter of fact, I know I can't do it, yet!

A couple of years ago I wanted to through everything out. I wanted to burn everything... it seems that they are keeping me back. Now, I am not so sure any more. I am not sure I want to even touch them. I guess time will tell.

Time... always endless and always timeless... Time.

I am still looking for you

Where are you?

I am looking for you.

I hadn't thought of you for years... and then all of a sudden at the beginning of the month you somehow managed to slip in my mind, and since then I can't stop thinking of you.

I don't know how to find you. It's been a very long time. I am sure you know I am back. I am sure you were told... but still...

Come find me! 

I guess...

I guess this is pretty much an online diary that no one ever reads..

Which is quite ok since I don't think my whining has anything to do with the real world out there.

Questions that need answers..
1. what do i do wrong?
2. why is it that when one thing goes right something else has to go wrong.. or as  a matter of fact something has to happen to screw it up?
3. or a general Why???

is it wrong to push friendship on to someone... like it's wrong to push love? Does friendship only happen spontaneously? What is it that brings people close? What is it that brings people together and makes them friends?

Is it something specific?

Just endless questions... that's all. 

A never ending story..

Nothing has actually change.. and i don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. 

Still feeling isolated almost like I don't exist... 

No friend... no one... 

Just me.

Sounds egocentric doesn't it? 

But I am alone.. more than I can handle. 

I have been thinking that I don't want to go back to feeling depressed and miserable all the time... I just don't want to go down that path again... ever again... 

BUT... in the effort to avoid it... I feel that it loops and loops... all going back to that previous situation.. 

Like a never ending story that continues... like a replay list... that it never ends and just loops back to that... 

Up... down... up... down.. 

Sick and tired of that.

Tears

I am not sure exactly what is going on in my life right now... but then I guess that is not important... I am just trying to exists.

I want to make new friends... want to do new things and see new places but I guess I dont know how...

There is a lot out there and there is no Start button or place.. like on the old board game... "Begin at the box marked with "START""

I always thought life is like chess... one step forward... stop and think.. but what happens when you are tired of thinking? What happens.. when you just want to GO GO GO... but there is no clear direction how do you find one...

Do you just get on a place and go...

When I first moved here I wanted to document every day by taking a picture... but then... that didn't happen.. and it was a conscious decision as to why that didn't happen it's called... DEPRESSION...

Yes the one and only thing I have been trying to avoid... those days of pain... of endless pain... days that I was shut down and refused to move.. they are creeping back.. I don't know how or why,... I just know they are around the corner...

And I need to fight it.