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CHAPTER 1.
I woke up in a couch looking around in total shock. This was not my apartment... It took me a few seconds to realize where I was. This is James apartment. James is my boyfriend or at least he was till last night. I try to get up but my body feels stiff and my head too heavy. I stay lay down for a few minutes. Last night’s events come in my mind. I get up and go to the kitchen. I pour myself a cold glass of water. The little clock on the microwave shows 6:00am. Everything seems to be spinning around, what did happen last night? I can’t put anything in a logical order. I decide to clear out before James wakes up.
I grab my bag and my jacket. I sneak out quietly. Everything is so quiet and peaceful as I go down the stairs. Outside the sun is almost up. The air is fresh and chilli. Everything keeps rolling in my brain like watching a movie while you rewinding it. I walk as fast as I can to the train station. I feel the cold going through my clothes. My body begins to ache. I reach the train station and I run to platform 3, just on time to catch my train. I find a seat at a corner. I sit down placing my legs on the seat and I close my eyes. How could things have changes so much in just one night? In just a few hours? It seems just impossible. How can life be so cruel?
I am trying to place yesterday’s events in a logical order. Last week, David, a friend of mine came to visit and yesterday was his last day here. We spent all day together enjoying ourselves. We went shopping, had lunch and in the afternoon we went back to his sisters, where he was staying, to get his things. Then I took him to the airport and he left. That was all. Two good friends saying goodbye till the next time they will see one another. Of course things could have been different, old feelings coming back, all those feelings that got buried away when we broke up three years ago. But we both have moved on from the past or at least we are trying not to make a big deal out of it. David and I are good friends and that shall be it, I tried to explain that to James last night through the screaming but he just didn’t want to listen.
On the way back from the airport I caught the train to […], everything seemed to be normal, I was just a bit upset that David had to go but that was it. At [Erskinvelle] is James and Vincent's apartment, they have been best mates since high school and they moved in together about two years ago. There is a pub, a couple of blocks away from their place and we usually hang out there, when we can’t be bothered going anywhere else. James had messaged me earlier that they ll be there, so I went straight to the pub. I found everyone seating around our usual table chatting away, the whole group was there, Vincent with Joy, Jenny with Steve, Alex with Sophie, and a few more people friends of friends, and of course James and me. Everything seemed normal. James seemed to be a bit upset but when I asked him what was wrong he said he was just tired from work. We stayed to the pub till closing time. We were all of us so smashed; I could hardly walk to James place let alone going to my own. Vincent took Joy back to her place and stayed there, so James and I were all alone in their place. So there I was with James in the middle of the living room... And then what? What did it happen?
“ Next stop Newtown”. I get up from my seat and slowly I am making my way to the door. The train stops and I get pushed out from some guy in a hurry. The air is not that cold anymore but my body aches more and my head feels heavier. I put my hands in my pockets and I make my way to my place as fast as I can. The time is past 7:00am and I need to get to uni by 9. There is a test on today at 12, not that I need a test on a Monday morning, but they never ask, do they?
Yet I cant stop thinking about last night... The screaming, the fight, the tears, and all that just because James can’t understand that there is nothing between David and myself any more. Everything is finished between us three years ago. And now everything seems to be coming to an end between James and me as well. This can’t be true! It cannot be happening!!! I feel warm tears coming down on my cold face... I reach my apartment, take the lift to the third floor and put the key in the keyhole; I shut the door behind me. Now, I can’t stop myself from crying. The sun is coming through the veranda; I close the curtains and seat on the couch. Why? Why all that? How could we get in such a mess?
James and I have been together for the last two years. We met at our first year of uni through a friend from high school, and we have been together since then. As friends first, as a couple latter on. Nothing has changed much since the day he asked me out. We have seen each other every day... all day... at weekends... there isn’t a time we haven’t been together... It feels so strange to sit here now and think that all that is finished. From now on there isn't gonna be any James and Anna... Is not possible. Well there have been fights before but it was never like that... We have never said all the things we said last night... I don't know... I don't know.
I get in the shower, maybe that will make me feel better. I leave warm water to run on my body... I get out of the shower. I feel so tired. So confused. The clock is ticking away and the time now is 8:00am. I manage to have half a cup of coffee, take a couple of Panadol, get dressed and grab my books. I m making my way back to the train station as fast as I can.
I am in the train. The train is full. People dressed in black and white, holding their big business bags, reading the paper or talking on their new mobile phones... push me into a corner. How comical, tragical can life be? We are all dancing rhythmically to the same steps as the train moves left, right, left... with little pauses every now and then as more black and white dressed people are joining in. And yet I am not better than them, wearing my old pair of jeans a black top and my jacket holding my books... Central, this is my stop. I am glad to get out in the fresh air... Well not that fresh if you think all that pollution, yet it does feel better that inside. The time is 8:30am, which means I am already late. There isn't much point to rush for the bus to uni, yet I found myself caught in the same pace as everyone else around me. Life seems to be taking over us, doesn't it? We don't even stop to breath in the air and look at the sun; we put our head down and run, run with no clear destination. Run in an attempt to run away from life itself... In an attempt to leave everything behind and be free... Yet we are not free, we are stuck on the ground and we cant run away no matter how much we would love to...
I get to uni. It is past 9:00am. I make my way for the coffee shop. I grab a coffee, which I can hardly carry to a table without spilling it. I sink into the chair, not wanting to face anything. I think that the better way to forget last nights mess is to start studying for that test, otherwise I am not so sure if I could answer anything but my name. I open my book to some page, but the letters seem to be jumping all over the place. I am trying to concentrate... I feel a hand on my shoulder and I hear a familiar voice, is Vincent.
- Hi! How are you?
- Hello, Vince! I am ok... How about you?
- Well! Very well! Are you sure you are ok? You look a bit... Well not yourself…
- Yeah! I am ok... So do you know anything about the test today...? (I wish I could avoid all that conversation... I am not in a mood at all... I wasn’t ready to do any explaining so soon....)
- Oh! Yeah the test! I was just in the department this morning for a tute and there is a note outside Prof. Brown’s office that there will be not test or lecture today.
- That is great...!!!. So I could have just turned up here at 12:00 instead of rushing... Oh well!!! At lest there is no test...
- So where is James? Didn't he come with you?
- (What am I suppose to say now? Did he have to ask? I hardly know myself what is going on… Did we break up? Was this just another fight?) Silence.
- Anna? Everything is ok with you two isn't it? Did something happen? Last night you were somehow...
Well! What am I suppose to say now? I love Vince but sometimes he asks one too many questions... too soon... I put my head down, not wanting to face him. Is not right to lie to him, he has been a very good friend to me especially when there have been problems with James before, but what can I say now? My head feels heavier, I feel like fainting and Vince keeps asking what happened. I give in. He will find out sooner or latter, after all he lives with James.
- Look, James and I had a fight last night. We were both of us smashed and said a few things that we didn't mean, that's all....
- So did you clear things out this morning? Are you two ok?
- Is not that simple... I haven't talk to him at all... I left your place when he was still asleep... You see I felt asleep on the couch... Please don't ask anything else. I am not feeling very well and I only came cause I thought the test would be on.... Maybe I should go back home.
- Well, you look extremely pale and tired... Come on I ll take you back to your place. We could have a chat on the way...
- It’s ok I ll catch the bus...
- Yeah right! Some other day maybe....
He grabbed our stuff and we walked to his car... He didn't ask any questions, which is good because I am not so sure if I could answer them. He opened the door and helped me get in. I caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror. I was in an awful state, my hair was untidy, and my eyes were red with black circled under them. I cuddled myself in my jacket... I was dizzy, my body ached and I was cold. I explained to Vincent the whole story, or as much as I could remember.
Basically the whole fight with James was about David. James came up with the idea that David and I are still in love with one another and we want to be together, which of course it isn’t true. James was furious that I spent the whole day with David yesterday. What else could I have done? David is my friend and yes we love each other as friends. There isn't anything more than that... Of course James doesn't see it and hence the fight. And it wouldn't be as a big deal if James hadn't been so... I don't know.., paranoid, and accusing me that I don’t really love him and I am just putting up an act and that I would rather be with David rather than him. And that did hurt! I tried to explain to him that he is wrong, but he wouldn't listen. So I stayed in the couch and he went in his room... The rest of it, you know them. Vincent just kept quiet while I was explaining what happened. The only thing he said was that he couldn't believe it how James could have said all that stuff to me and how he knew that none of it is true, because he loved me more than his life... I am not so sure if I can believe that... I am not so sure about anything any more.
We stayed quiet after that. I was exhausted from thinking and crying while I was telling Vince what happened... It wasn't one of my happiest moments in life. I must have fallen asleep because when Vince woke me up we were outside my apartment. He helped me out of the car while he was kept smiling and trying to encourage me that everything will be ok.... Things that between James and I will be ok. I don't know but I couldn't believe him... I wanted to but I couldn't. I leaned against him and took the lift to my apartment. I felt so weak and dizzy. He made me change and put me in bed. He brought me some tea along with a couple of Panadols, which I gladly took. He stayed with me for a few minutes. We didn't talk much. There was nothing to say after all. I fell asleep.
I don't know for how long I have been sleeping, but it feels like hours. I am still half asleep, trying to open my eyes and see what the time is. I hear a very soft voice almost as weak as mine, I feel a hand holding mine. It’s James. Yet I am not so sure if I am awake or it is just a dream. What happened? How did he get here? Did everything was a dream? Am I dreaming now? He makes a smile and squeezes my hand. I don't dare to speak in case he is not real and disappears as soon as I say something. I remain motionless; I am just staring at him.
- Anna... Are you awake? How are you feeling?
- (Silence. I don't dare to speak. I just breathe heavily. My whole body feels sore.)
- Anna! Please say something.... I...
- (I manage to get my strength up). I am ok... How did you get here?
- I called earlier, when I woke up in my apartment and you were gone... Vince told me you weren't feeling very well and you are asleep.
- I see.... (I try to sit up. He helps me out... And I still can’t believe it he is here.)
- Look... I know this might not be the right time. But I own you an apology for last night. I don't know what came over me.... I was so unreasonable.... I didn't mean all those things I said.... I am very sorry...
- I am sorry too.
- Please... It’s my entire fault.... Everything will be ok from now on...
I try to talk, but no sound comes out of my mouth. Just tears, tears that feel hot on my face. Thousands of images come into my mind. The past, the present the future... David. James... I am scared... I want to talk to him, I want to clear things out but I don't manage to speak another word. He comes closer and takes me in his arms. He holds me in his arms for what seems like hours. I am confused. He whispers in my ears that everything will be ok, that everything is ok and that he loves me. He doesn't let go of me. It feels as if everything is right for once. That love has managed to take some action and has corrected a mistake, a cruelty. Is it true? Do miracles happen?
A few minutes latter Joy comes in with some tea and James has to let go of me. Despite the fact that I feel so tired and weak, I am sure there is huge smile on my face; I can feel the muscles twitching... You know those smiles you get when you are in love with someone and you can’t hide from anyone... He forces me to drink the tea. We don't talk much. I don't talk much. He says everything will be ok and I should go back to sleep, he ll be right there. He won't let go of me. I don't know if it is because he said it, or because I can’t keep my eyes open. I fell asleep. I sleep a deep sleep.
I open my eyes.... The room is totally dark. I gaze at the watch on the bedside table. It shows 9:30am... I stay in bed for a few minutes half asleep making an attempt to gain consciousness... I am feeling better but not so sure if strong enough to make it out of bed. James is not here... Was all that just a dream? Did I dream that he came? The only noise is from the cars that go by on the street... I get up slowly. I feel dizzy. I go into the living room. Is dark in here too, the curtains are keeping the sun well out of the house... James is sleeping on the couch. I go and sit by him. I pass my fingers through his hair and I kiss him softly on the cheek. He opens his eyes; he looks a bit surprised to see me here.
-Anna! You are up... How are you feeling? Are you ok?
- Yes... I am feeling a bit better... You slept here....
- Yes... You were having a very disturbed sleep last night, like you were having a nightmare... and you were running a temperature so I didn't want to bother you. Joy gave you some Panadols and you calmed down. So I came and lay down here... Are you sure you are feeling better?
- Yes I am a lot better now. Has everyone else gone?
- Yes everyone else has gone... (We stay silent for a while just looking at each other’s eyes.) Oh David called last night... He said he had a good flight. And if you can give him a call when you wake up.
There is no smile on his face any more... I can see a clear doubt in his eyes about our relationship and I can’t say I feel any more confident than he does. He doesn't say anything more. I don't know what to say. He is clearly not happy... I go to the kitchen and make us a cup of coffee. A couple of minutes later he comes in, we take our cups and go into the front veranda. The weather is nice and quite warm despite the fact that is autumn. There is a light wind that messes up our hair. Does it affect our lives too? I know is time for some explaining. He knows it too yet no one wants to take the first step. We sit in silence for a few minutes. I can’t help wondering about the future. He breaks first.
- About the other night... I want to apologize again, since I am not so sure if you remember our little talk from yesterday afternoon... I am really sorry about the things I said, but I can’t get it out of my head that you and David were a couple... I know I am being paranoid...
- WERE a couple... And now we are not... I am with you now...
- Yes... I am very sorry... I don’t know what came over me...
- Did Vince make you come here?
- No.... I came around to see you, when I called and Vince told me that you had gone to bed because you were not feeling well... And he wouldn't let me in. He took me around the coffee shop and we had a chat... But he didn’t make come here... I wanted to come and apologize. I was ready to do it when I woke up. But you were gone.... Please don’t do that again. You gave me a heart attack. I didn’t know what to think.... and your mobile is switched off.
- I am very sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. But I couldn’t stay in your apartment. I felt like the whole world had broken into pieces and I was the only person left alive. I am sorry. I was a bit selfish too. I spend too much time with David all last week and ignored you...
-I understand now that David is a part of your life, he is important to you. He is your friend and I accept that. Maybe I should have put some effort in to get to know him better myself....
- Next time. But please let’s just forget all that.
- Yes! Shall we?.................. I love you.
- I love you too James.
We are still here... He looks so calm now. Happy... I can’t help thinking how sweet he is. He smiles... I can’t believe that things are so good between us now, considering for what happen the night before. We stare to one another, he come and sits next to me. He gives me a hug, presses his lips tightly on mine. I have absolutely no doubt that this guy loves me, and I love him too, no doubt about that either. I know, I know, I keep changing my mind but I can’t help it... He goes to have a shower, and I remain out here. How can things change so much in such a little time? In about 24 hours we had a fight and now we are back together... Life can be so unexpected. It can be so unpredictable.
I go inside. My apartment is in a huge mess. Anyone could see that I haven’t spent that much time around my place lately. I live alone, which I think is good even though it can be lonely, but then again James gets to spend most of his time here. No we haven’t moved in together and we agree we shouldn’t, we think that that would be out biggest mistake. Also one good thing to live alone is that there are always people that spend the night here or call late, something that could cause trouble if I was sharing. Anyway my place is not that big but I love it!!! There is a small veranda where I even put a little table and a few chairs and filled the rest of the place with flowers, which are dyeing away. I love sitting out there. It has a huge living room, with two couches and hips of pillows, and a little table in the middle... Very convenient when the whole group comes around which usually is every day. Hehe. It has a very small kitchen, but it doesn’t bother me much since I hardly ever cook. And then there is my bedroom, which is quite big, however nothing special about it. There is another little room, well not exactly a room just a space, where I have turned into a study... I know, I know it doesn't look like I am doing any study but I am assuring you that there is time for everything.
The air that comes through the open glass doors feels fresh. James just got out of the shower. He smells nice. His breath feels warm on my face. His lips feel soft on mine. His arms hold me tight. Life knows how to make it up to us... He goes inside to get dressed. I can’t help stop smiling. The time is almost 12am... We have all day ahead of us... We have all life ahead of us...
I lay in my bed. The veranda door of my bedroom is slightly open. A slight wind is pushing the curtain out of the way. It’s late afternoon. The sun has well disappeared dying the sky with a sweet purple red color... The city is still noisy. I can hear the kids playing at the rear park, probably still in their school uniforms, their laughter breaks through the loud noise of the city. I feel tired. I hear some voices in the living room. I close my eyes. I don’t want to get up. Vince come in and shakes me lightly.
- Hey. You are still sleeping? You feeling ok?
- Hey. Nah. I eve been awake for a few minutes... I am feeling fine. I am not sure if I want to get up though...
- Come on Sophie and Joy are making dinner...
- Hehe. How nice of them...
- Well we thought it was the least we could do since. We organized a get together here... You don’t mind do you?
- Hehe.... Tell me something new. Of course I don’t mind...
- And there is a small surprise coming latter on....
- What kind of surprise. Is anyone coming?
- Nope... But I am not telling you unless you get your lazy bat out of bed....
- So where is James? Did he send you in cause he was scared to tell me himself?
- Of course not... He went to the shop with Steve to get some liquor.
- So we are celebrating?
- Get out of bed!!!!!!
- Ok. I am coming... Gee...
Sometimes is so hard to put up a fight with Vince. He is so nice.
I drag myself out of bed and go out to the veranda... The wind is cold now and more violent. The streets are full with people. Women that are rushing home after work to get the dinner ready, to put it on the table and wait for their husbands to get home... People that leave their desks behind after a day of work has just gone by. Uni students that are gathered a table at the pub. Life goes on as usual, the same story every day. We are all caught in the same cycle, in just a routine that hardly ever changes... But of course there are times like this one. Where a few people, somewhere at some place for absolutely no reason are celebrating life... Life as you can only feel it, if you are still alive, if the social system and the routine hasn't change you…
I can hear the girls giggling in the living room. I get changed and go inside. Only Vince, Sophie and Joy are here. Vince is playing around with some CDs and the girls are seating in the couch gossiping. I join in the gossip. Jenny went with Steve and James to get the drinks and Alex hasn't come in yet. I wonder what the surprise is, even though I have a very good suspicion. The girls give me the latest news from uni, people and work that needs to be done. I have forgotten about all that, uni work... It’s so much better to do absolutely nothing from time to time. Sometimes I am not sure if I can handle all that.
Some time latter the bell rings, its Alex. Alex and I grew up together in a sense. Well, we went to the same primary school and high school but we didn’t came close till year 11. In the last two years of high school we became close friends. Alex’s parents died in a car accident when he was a baby so he lived with his grandma, a very nice lady. We used to spend hours studying together at the back yard, and his grandma will bring us food and fruits. Alex and his grandma are like a family to me. I let him in and a few minutes later I hear the knock on the door. Alex comes in with a huge smile on his face.... He is well build with blond wavy hair and blue eyes, he could be anyone’s long sex fantasy, and I think he ought to be doing modeling. Be he doesn’t like the idea much himself. After all the usual greetings he gives me a wink and goes in my bedroom...
There is nothing sexual between Alex and myself. Alex is a fun person to be with. And if he isn’t fun then he has the fun in his pocket, if you know what I mean. He has gone through some rough times and through that he has some great contacts, or at least we think so. You see he can bring a bit of pot around every now and then, or some es or speed. It depends what he can get his hand on... Most people think that doing any kind of drugs, including alcohol and tobacco is only for “bad” kids, that drugs destroy our lives and that we ll die young from OD. Well I see it a different way. You can do “drugs” as long as you keep it “safe”, meaning no hard drugs and not too much... Now I know there are times that you cant help yourself and you exaggerate a bit more that you suppose to... But then again if you are able to control yourself there should be no problems. So no we are not on drugs, and that's how I see it. We just like relaxing every now and then that’s all.
Alex has an extra surprise especially for me. “On me this time” he says. And I can only smile... He has a line... speed... So there we were sitting in my bedroom away from everyone else doing our own “drug dealing”... and thank God James was taking his time with those drinks. On some old magazine with a glossy cover I am watching Alex cutting the white powder again and again with a small cardboard paper. He does take his time, I keep thinking to myself. Then he pushes the magazine to me. He smiles and nodes. I look him in the eyes, just to make sure that he is not playing a trick or something on me. Then I bent over the magazine and quickly sniff the white powder. I lift my head slowly and I look Alex again, smiling this time. “That was good Alex, thanks!”. He gives me a wink and he sniffs his line too. You could tell we are two happy people now. We lay on my bed with our eyes close, chatting away. I hear a light nock on the door. “Busted” I say and Alex can only crap up laughing. I go and open the door it’s Steve. He gives us a very puzzled look, but without making any comments…. He asks if we are ok… well could anything happen to us? I leave them in my bedroom and go in the living room to find James. It’s always better to move around than sitting in one place because you then avoid giggling for no reason and fidgeting, which can be noticed.
In the living room people are talking away, holding glasses with wine or bottles with various drinks. James looks happy to see me, and even though Jenny is desperately trying to catch his attention he manages to run away and come closer to me. “ I am glad, you are up. Are you feeling better?” How can he always be so concerned? Doesn’t he ever forget to be nice? I just nod and smile. I love being with him. He carries me in a dream world, a world that I could never visit without him.
The party was good. Alex took good care of everyone. It’s 3:00am and apart from Alex and myself, everyone else has pretty much dozed of. So here we are sitting on the table outside holding a bottle of bear on our hands, like the old the times. Alex is like my brother. And that makes me happy to know that we are sitting here together enjoying the night.
The night is sweet even though it is a bit cold. The city is asleep. There are hardly any cars on the streets. And here we are! Two children full of life killing life itself. Happy but at the same time as weak and lonely as most people on this earth. We only have one another and yet we have absolutely no one… We struggle to live but yet we are sure we ll make it. We have dreams and expectations. We have hopes! And for now we can only hope for a better tomorrow. We know we ll be there to find out. But will you? Or you will be too obsessed with your work? Or your lover? Or will you have to do the shopping or clean the house? Will you be again too self obsessed to realize that you are missing out on life? That you have lost your train? Don’t make that mistake, because trains might come and go, but sometimes we have no place on them and that hurts. It hurts to be alone with no love and people around you.
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